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Vital verbs for collective care


UT-Austin professor shares life lessons about loss and grief

 

I know that grieving and healing are very personal and unique, each person may have different verbs to take care of themselves, the circumstances and context make a big difference, and people may grieve and heal in different ways across cultures. In the wake of tragedy, many ask what they can do to process their emotions of anger, loss, and grief. As a trained therapist and sociologist I traveled to El Paso and witnessed the pain suffered there in 2019. I hope this list of verbs can help the grieving hearts in Uvalde today.

Cry… because it is a normal and deeply human dimension of the healing journey.

Cry… yes, again, because vulnerability and strength are connected in indescribable ways.

Document your story in a journal or a modest notebook, that is, keep an emotional chronology of everyday life because revisiting and reading it again has the potential to offer revealing lessons about my own emotional evolution as I continue healing.

Gonzalez-Lopez, Gloria 2019

Establish and nourish a circle of care and love, one that includes people I trust, people of wisdom and knowledge, at the human and professional level, people who wish the best for me, and consult with them with honesty and humility.

Explore and nurture my wise inner voice, my self-compassion, and listen to it carefully and respectfully, it may have some answers in times of despair.

Give a break to my heart in pain because grief has its own flow and timing. 

The heart cannot be rushed or forced when it is raw open and grieving.

Give others the opportunity to take care of me, taking care of myself is a collective practice. My healing may help others heal, and when others heal, I may heal myself. Radical healing is rooted in reciprocity, in community.

Identify what does not allow me to take care of myself and explore the best way to let go off it. Self-care is a radical practice.

Listen to and respect my intuition… because it may hide the most surprising life lessons and wisdom, even in moments of deep pain.

Practice digital fasting because being connected to the Internet or cell phone 24/7 comprises my well-being in ways that science might have not discovered yet.

Protect my joy… even in modest and humble ways. Having access to my joy as part of my everyday life may facilitate my healing journey.

Remain active while honoring my own pace… because the day-to-day routine has the potential to help me accept and embrace my loss, gradually and peacefully.

Remember the voice of the person who has loved me the most and incorporate that person’s wisdom as part of my daily routine. “Eat well and don’t overwork yourself” is no longer a broken record when the heart in pain needs to be caressed.

Rest… because it is a sacred and indispensable act, especially when the heart is sad and exhausted.

Seek help… because it keeps us deeply human especially when we cannot find the answer while dealing with our pain in loneliness.

Surrender and accept that some losses are so important, we may never lose the loss, the loss may remain with us for a lifetime. However, learning to live with the loss may help us have memories of the beloved person with less emotional intensity, and with some level of acceptance and inner peace.

Trust… because believing in that invaluable human presence who has showed authentic respect and love to me, makes the human condition easier to manage, especially in times of pain and sorrow.

Write down, take good notes in a detailed and honest way each time my heart talks to me… because the inner voice is the light that offers clarity, does not lie, and it has offered important life lessons, especially as I continue grieving and healing.

I have been taking notes when my heart has spoken to me in the past, especially while grieving the deaths of my father, my brother, my grandmother, and two beloved best friends. 

I hope these notes will offer comfort and support to the grieving hearts in Uvalde, still working to process and heal. You are not alone, your grieving hearts are not forgotten.

Un gran abrazo solidario desde Austin.

Gloria González-López is a professor of sociology at The University of Texas at Austin, where she has worked since 2002. She is a colleague of Monica M. Martinez, formerly of Uvalde, who is now an associate professor of history at UT-Austin.